Politically comedic monologues for women
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How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. “Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. I hope they get here before it starts to rain.” No vases to hold them? All right, I’ll hold them myself – And then I – met your father ! Malaria fever and jonquils and then – this – boy…. Whenever, wherever I saw them, I’d say, “Stop ! Stop! I see jonquils ! I made the young men help me gather the jonquils ! It was a joke, Amanda and her jonquils ! Finally there were no more vases to hold them, every available space was filled with jonquils. Mother said, ‘Honey, there’s no more room for jonquils.’ And still I kept on bringing in more jonquils. – All lacy with dogwood, literally flooded with jonquils! – That was the spring I had the craze for jonquils. – lovely! – So lovely, that country in May.
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– I took quinine but kept on going, going ! Evenings, dances ! – Afternoons, long, long rides! Picnics. Invitations poured in – parties all over the Delta! – ‘Stay in bed,’ said mother, ‘you have fever!’ – but I just wouldn’t. The change of climate from East Tennessee to the Delta – weakened resistance I had a little temperature all the time – not enough to be serious – just enough to make me restless and giddy. I wore it on Sundays for my gentlemen callers ! I had it on the day I met your father. Better yet, get two if you can… then if one turns out to be fussy, you can always switch them.” And, Grace, don’t use just anybody’s baby for Jesus… get a quiet one. They think because it’s a play that they have to wear lipstick, and it looks terrible. Bob could do that, and he could keep an eye on the shepherds too. You’ll have to get someone to push the baby angels on, otherwise they get in each other’s way and bend their wings. I just hope you don’t have too many baby angels, Grace, because they’ll be your biggest problem. And don’t let them wear clunky shoes or high heels. Remind the angel choir not to stare at the audience, and don’t let them wear earrings and things like that. And I tell them, there are no small parts, only small actors. Frankly, I don’t ever spend much time on Joseph because it’s always Elmer Hopkins, and he knows all about Mary and Joseph, but I do explain about the Wise Men and the shepherds and how important they are. Here’s what I do - I always start with Mary and tell them we must choose our Mary carefully because Mary was the mother of Jesus… Yes, and then I tell them about Joseph, that he was God’s choice to be Jesus’ father. “tell you again, Grace, how important it is to give everyone a chance. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head.” Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, I’ll go and look. Squire Squire, Hackham and who’s the other one…? No, they’re not in Spain, they’re next to the phone in the study. I look after the house for him, but I go home at one o’clock on Wednesday, only I’ve got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, because it’s the royal what’s-it’s called on the telly - the royal you know - where’s the paper, then? And if it’s to do with letting the house then you’ll have to ring the house-agents, because they’re the agents for the house….
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The one who writes the plays, that’s him, only now he writes them in Spain… No, she’s in Spain, too, they’re all in Spain, there’s no one here… Am I in Spain? No, I’m not in Spain, dear. Brent’s not here…He lives here, yes, but he don’t live here now because he lives in Spain… Mr. I can’t open sardines and answer the phone.